Cedarville: A Tribute to Dr. Brown, and some other necessary discussion.

It's getting cold here at Cedarville. And despite the gusty winds and piercing horizontal snowfall courtesy of Hurricane Sandy, I'm not just talking about the weather.

Yesterday during chapel, Dr. William Brown announced that he is stepping down from his position as President of Cedarville University at the end of the current school year. Dr. Brown has been Cedarville's president for ten years and the university undoubtedly will undergo significant change following his departure. I will be among the last to shake his hand at graduation, and will be thinking about my four years as a student where I have heard him speak in countless chapels and have even had the opportunity to interact with him on a personal level at scholarship banquets. Dr. Brown is a desirable figurehead for any institution, and not just because of his eternally flawless head of hair. He represents himself well in every setting, and even more significantly, he represents Christ well. His sincerity, generosity, intelligence, and wits make every conversation enlightening, encouraging, and memorable. Dr. Brown has promised to remain at Cedarville for at least one additional year as chancellor, but the fact remains that Cedarville will miss Dr. Brown and his leadership.

However, Dr. Brown's sudden announcement has triggered uproar in many students and alumni following the saga of the white papers and Dr. Pahl's dismissal. For those of you unaware of these events, Christianity Today published an article yesterday (coincidence?) describing the incident. In addition, here is the meat of Cedarville's official statement:

"Dr. Michael Pahl has been relieved of his teaching duties because he is unable to concur fully with each and every position of Cedarville University's doctrinal statement.  This decision was made following a review by the University administration and trustees prompted by Dr. Pahl's recent book, The Beginning and the End:  Rereading Genesis's Stories and Revelation's Visions.

Dr. Pahl's orthodoxy and commitment to the gospel are not in question, nor is his commitment to Scripture's inspiration, authority and infallibility.  He is a promising scholar and a dedicated teacher, and he will be missed by his colleagues and students.  Nevertheless, the University has determined this decision to be in the best interests of its constituency at this time."

The white papers I mentioned above are lengthy amendments to the already cumbersome doctrinal statement, written not by Cedarville Bible scholars but by one administrative representative. They are poorly written and include alarmingly narrow specifications of belief that not every faculty member, including tenured Bible professors, agrees with. The white papers, along with other recent events, have raised concern from students, faculty, and alumni for the future of Cedarville University. Solemn faces, nervous laughter, and choice vocabulary have crept into the Center for Biblical and Theological Studies, creating an air of uncertainty and unspoken worries. For if Dr. Pahl can be dismissed on such subjective grounds, no one is safe. 

And now, today's big question: Does Dr. Brown's resignation decision have anything to do with Dr. Pahl and the media attention given to his dismissal? Are the shadowy fingers that plucked Dr. Pahl from his position at Cedarville the same fingers on Dr. Brown's back as he walks about the door? The answer is that we will likely never know, and thus have no grounds to make assumptions or claims in such a direction. However, the truth is that many people responsible for Dr. Pahl's dismissal will also be responsible for selecting the new president of Cedarville University. Many have expressed concerns over the past few years about Cedarville's "identity crisis," and the selection of a new president will finally make the identity clear. What will it be? Will Cedarville be fundamentalist, or will it be evangelical? Is our goal to uphold the convictions of the previous generation, or move forward and become open to accepting diverse theological backgrounds? Will we be a Bob Jones, or a Wheaton? Or somewhere in between?

In reality, the body of Christ as a whole has been fragmented and broken by generations of Christians who neglected to keep Jesus Christ at the center. This fragmentation is the reason Cedarville has found itself in the midst of scandal, intolerance, and fear. Some of the Christians at Cedarville have forgotten how to love. They have forgotten the Biblical instructions for confronting one another. They have forgotten Christ, and have replaced him with doctrinal correctness and upright appearances. I feel comfortable saying that a fragmented, inconsistent identity is not what anyone at Cedarville desires. How then do we become unified? The answer is Christ.

I challenge Dr. Brown and other faculty to talk openly about what has happened - not necessarily to the public, but to the parties involved. I challenge students and alumni to commit to prayer rather than gossip. We will not make any progress through slanderous discussions, for unity in Jesus Christ is our only hope. I challenge everyone who claims the name of Jesus to take every thought captive to Christ and check every action against Scripture. The popularity of an opinion does not make it right, even among Christians.

Prayer is vital, for most of us do not have any direct influence on the men and women responsible for what happens next. Prayer is even more vital for those who do have direct influence, for only righteous actions will create a positive change. Christ has given us all the power to influence through the Holy Spirit and prayer, yet we often push this, our most valuable resource, to the back burner. We must quench our power-hungry, vindictive natures and become humble. For resolution, we must all come and kneel at the cross together. We have no choice.

OneVoice, OneVoice, OneVoice!

What did I do this weekend? 

This weekend, I spent thirty hours rehearsing/shopping/eating/performing with the Cedarville University OneVoice Gospel Choir Ensemble and Band (#oveab, or simply stated, ensemble). OneVoice has been a part of my Cedarville experience since sophomore year, and has taken me to Nashville, D.C., Cleveland, and even across the globe to Australia. Every event brings new experiences, new exposures, new joys, and new struggles. The past three days encompassed the 2013 OneVoice Ensemble "Retreat," basically meaning that our lives belong to Justin (our director) for the extent of that time. Over half of the members of the ensemble and band members are new to the group, which means that we have a lot of music to teach and lot of lessons to learn.

I am SO EXCITED about this year! Here are some of the lessons learned this weekend:

1. We never check to make sure the entire group is present before departing for our next destination. If you want to save yourself from panic and/or embarrassment, be on time to meeting spots. Otherwise, you will be left behind.

2. Preachers can be unpredictable. Don't panic if they mention ******* or ******* during their sermon. Just go with the flow. Be #openminded.

3. We will never, EVER play the set list through exactly as planned. Ever. We will also frequently play songs that we have never rehearsed. Again, don't panic. Go with the flow.

4. If Justin calls you out to sing a solo during a song you've only heard a few times, it might not be pretty - especially if you only have five seconds notice. But that doesn't really matter, because it happens to everyone.

5. Plum and lavender DO NOT count as purple, despite their prominent positions on either end of the purple portion of the color palette. (Are you proud of my prominent placement of purple-y alliteration?) But if you decide to wear plum or lavender to a concert, chances are no one will care.

6. Fast food becomes not-so-fast food when twenty-six people all order food on the same bill.  Be patient, don't grab what's not yours, and please don't crowd the counter if thirteen people are already standing there. Be extra kind and gracious to the nice people working at McDonald's - we stress them out enough as it is. 

7. Get LOTS of rest before OneVoice concerts, especially weekends out. Because once you're there, you will expend approximately 5.2 times more calories than you would on a normal day. And you will not sleep.

Despite (and partly because of) all these things, I love OneVoice!!! I love the freeing atmosphere that appears every time the music beings to fill the room. I love laughing with and learning from one another.  The group dynamic is different every year, because every person brings their own unique twist. Basically, I'm super pumped to see where we go from here. God is going to do great things!!! We just have to show up and serve.

Last year's touring group! I miss these guys :)

How to Become a Christian

Strange things happen when you mix Google with mindless internet browsing. Out of mere curiosity, I began typing phrases into the search bar to see what popular searches would appear in the drop down box below. 

For example...

In contrast...

But then I typed "how does one..." into the box. The top search was, "how does one become a believer in Jesus Christ," right before "how does one tree hill end" and "how does one get shingles." Now, if more people are asking about Jesus than One Tree Hill... doesn't that deserve an answer?

I clicked on the first link. To my amused disappointment, I was taken to an "about.com" page with an explanation of the gospel and six easy steps to becoming a Christian. To be fair, the woman who wrote the article used ample Biblical support and stated her doctrine clearly. But I hate it when people emphasize that becoming a Christian is easy. The last step cited on the webpage is "Tell someone about your decision," followed by Romans 10:9... "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

Now, in chapel this morning, the speaker spent several minutes on this verse. He stated (and I agree) that the emphasis here is not on "confessing with your mouth," but rather on "Jesus is LORD." Confessing Jesus as Lord means that you vow to give your entire life - mind, soul, and body, to Jesus Christ. You vow that everything you do will be for Him alone. Everything. That's hard, not easy. Living the Christian life is hard.

So, if being a Christian is hard, why become one in the first place? The answer is twofold. The first reason? God created and loves human beings, and sent his Son Jesus die a horrible death in order to take the punishment we deserve. When we accept Christ, we are able to talk to the all-powerful, loving, merciful God who rules the universe. Our lives gain new meaning, and we have the opportunity to carry out His will on earth and spend eternity with Him in heaven (I talk about this reason more in my previous post, "The Story of Love... and the Throne.") 

The second reason to become a Christian is simply this: The Bible is true. According to the Biblical gospel, human beings are wretched, sinful creatures in desperate need of a rescuer to save us from the wrath of a perfect God. Jesus Christ is that rescuer, and there is no other way to life except through Him. Period. The Bible unarguably insists Jesus is the only way to reach God, and no other religion accepts Jesus as Lord. Culture today says that all religions are equal. "You can have your religion, and I will have mine," they say. "There probably is no God or afterlife, but if there is, any belief system will do the trick." Hear me when I say that this is absolutely untrue. Invalid. Incorrect. Wrong. A piece of crap. A total lie. Not all religions lead to God. You can call me intolerant, but the reason I make this claim is because I will not stand idly by and watch kind, loving human beings unknowingly walk down the path to hell. I stand by truth.

True. Have we lost the meaning of truth? I pray not. Because the truth is that living the Christian life isn't easy. The Christian life is not summed up in a thirty second prayer. Yes, a person can become a Christian with a sincere declaration that Jesus is LORD. But true belief underlies action, and therefore without action, our faith is not sincere. God requires more than thirty seconds of our time; He requires our entire existence to be dedicated to Him. So why choose Christ? Because He loves us, and He is the only chance we have to make it.

The Story of the Love... and the Throne

God spoke to me at church on Sunday. He did so intellectually through a message, and then emotionally through a song. The song is one I know well, a hymn entitled "Before the Throne of God Above." The lyrics are posted here. I encourage you to read them. Read them slowly, and as you read, create a picture in your mind of what the words describe. I have sung this song countless times over the years, but never did I pay close enough attention that I truly grasped their meaning. I pray that today, you will pay attention and learn something about Jesus Christ, our Lord who intercedes for us.

Before the throne of God above, 

I have a strong and perfect plea. 

A great high priest whose name is Love,

who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands.

My name is written on His heart.

I know that while in heaven He stands,

No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,

and tells me of the guilt within,

upwards I look and see Him there,

who made an end of all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died,

my sinful soul is counted free.

For God the just is satisfied

to look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there - the Risen Lamb

My perfect spotless righteousness

The great unchangeable I Am

The King of glory and of grace

One with Himself, I cannot die

My soul is purchased by His blood

My life is hidden with Christ on High

With Christ, my Savior and my God.

In case you skimmed or completely skipped over the lyrics to see what else I wrote (even though I told you not to), maybe this  paraphrase/elaboration will make real. Because it is real... very real.

Here you are, standing in the throne room of the perfect and holy God. It is judgment day, and you shake with fear knowing that you are guilty beyond reprimand. But into the room walks a man, who somehow appears just as radiant as the judge sitting on the throne. His name is Love. Amidst your fear you notice that on his hands, there are scars stained with blood, and with a shock, you see that the blood spells out the letters of your own name. He looks into your eyes and all your fear vanishes, because you can feel the immense power of Love all around you. He steps between you God, and you know that while Love is there, no harm will come to you.

Now you are back in your bedroom. You think about your recently cleared browser history, the carefully hidden liquor bottle in our closet, or the hateful text message you just sent to the girl who used to be your best friend. You have never felt guilt like this before... you will never be strong enough to obey God. You are a wretched and pitiful creature doomed to failure. Suddenly, you feel compelled to open your Bible and it falls open to the story of the cross, where Jesus Christ took the punishment for your sin. You realize that the man called Love whom you met in the courtroom gave his life for you, and that his death satisfied the wrath of the judge sitting on the throne. Because of Love's sacrifice, God has already pardoned you.

Love... how can you understand Love like this? You gaze upon His face, awestruck by his radiant perfection. He will never change, never run out of glory, and never withhold grace. He is the very definition of glory and of grace. As you marvel, He reaches out and places you on a throne. A throne? How is it that you, the defendant in what was sure to be an unfriendly trial, have been seated on a throne next to Love? Because when Love died, Love bought you. He bought your life with His.

Will you choose to step off the throne and go back to your computer, back to the bottle, or back to just being angry inside? Or will you choose to live in Love, sitting on a throne as His adopted son or daughter? You cannot choose to live in both places. Will you make Him your Lord?

My Identity

April 5, 2012

I've done a really great job this week feeling like a failure. Nothing too major, but moments keep happening when I become extremely disappointed in myself. It all started this past weekend on choir tour when I felt uncontrollably upset about a situation that, frankly, I couldn't do anything about. During my attempts to explain how I felt, I kept stumbling over my words and saying things that I didn't mean. And later, during my fits of trying to sleep on the floor in a freezing cold room, I remembered that I had failed to put in a sub request for the work shift I was going to miss the next day. Whoops. Also on the list of not-so-fine moments this week have been the time where I watched Hulu instead of writing a paper, neglected to practice piano for the fifth day in a row, and pushed the wrong buttons on the washing machine thereby sending my hopefully-not-so-delicate sweaters and things to a warm water wonderland. For (hopefully) the grand finale, I woke up a whopping two and a half hours late this morning. I slumbered straight through the time I was planning on using for a shower, breakafast, piano practicing time (to make up for all the days I missed), and I also missed my first half hour of work. How does that even happen? It usually doesn't happen to me. I didn't even stay up late last night.

This week, I am celebrating my second week of non-biology-education-major-ness. Because of all the classes I dropped, I only have eight credits to complete this semester. That's not even full-time student status. Yet somehow, I'm just as busy as ever. I keep wasting time. People keep telling me that it's okay to relax, but somehow I just can't believe that it's okay to take this much relaxation. I keep refusing to trust the people closest to me. And that makes me feel even worse.

I guess the reason that I feel so bad about all these little failues is because I expect a lot from myself. I have spent most of my life, especially my college life, working extremely hard. People always tell me how responsible I am, and how they appreciate the fact that I will complete any task I am given. Praise like that does great things for self-esteem and even better for motivation. But for me, it's pressure. And most of the pressure is self-inflicted. That's what I have trouble realizing. How much is too much? How much can I not do and it still be okay? Where is the line between relaxing and lazy?

So here I am, feeling like a screw-up... but inside, I know that I am still

August 21, 2012

...still what? Still a daughter of the King. Still chosen and loved by God. Still breathing only because of Christ's unending grace. Still alive in Jesus Christ. Still powered by the Holy Spirit of the Lord who dwells within me. That is who I am. And because of those things, I have joy. My identity lies not in my successes or my failures, but in my risen Savior who brought me out of death and saved me from myself, from a meaningless life, and from eternity in hell. And He has blessed me with the privilege to share my hope and my identity with others. Such a life could not be farther away from failure.

Firsts, Lasts, & Shoutouts

[Note: I drafted this blog post on May 4, 2012. I had noted at the top of the page to write about leading worship at CCF (the church I attended last semester), and something about lunch and seniors. Unfortunately, I never finished writing. Today, I do not remember what I intended to say. Even the title of the post does not seem to match the content. The fact that those words have been lost saddens me and inspires me to write intentionally and often. I will attempt to reassemble my thoughts and feelings, but their impact will certainly fall short of my original hopes. Nevertheless, please enjoy my thoughts and descriptions of Elliv and the OneVoice final concert written in May, and my thoughts about CCF and friends who have graduated and moved on to bigger and better things.]

ELLIV

Proudly named "Ville" spelled backwards, Elliv is an annual Cedarville tradition anticipated by most and scorned by few. Elliv, a mock awards show with over a $25,000 budget (my guess based on ticket sales), gives Cedarville students the opportunity to dress up in their old prom dresses from senior year or in a crazy costume that might just get them pulled on stage during the event. Students vote on superlatives like best artist or greatest athletic accmoplishment, and the winners receive a trophy in the form of a miniature version of "the rock" on campus that is spray painted with a new design every other day. The real draw for Elliv, however, is not the costumes or the awards, but the music. Check the pop charts back around October, and you'll probably be able to pick out a few that will be in Elliv the following April. The best musicians, singers, and dancers on campus collaborate to create stellar musical numbers, which this year, included Paradise (Coldplay), Without You (David Guetta), Turning Tables (Adele), and a We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions (Queen) medley that had the crowd wild with excitement. The Elliv committee spares no expense, bringing in a new stage set, lights, fog, and maybe even pyrotechnics. And thanks to today's technology, the entire show finds its way to YouTube, ensuring that the magic is never lost.

This year was my first time being involved in Elliv. I sang backup during the opening number (Dog Days by Florence and the Machine), and had a blast. There's nothing quite like the rush of the applause, standing on stage in darkness waiting for the the cue for song to begin. The best part (one that I didn't mention before) is that all the Elliv acts are kept secret from anyone not actually in the show. The rumor mill starts turning in the weeks before the show, but by in large, most students have no idea what to expect. The atmosphere backstage at Elliv is high energy and crazy. In between acts, performers are wandering aimlessly around the twenty-square-foot area waiting for their cue. Once the cue comes, madness ensues as mic packs are exchanged, equipment is bustled on and offstage, and people trip over one another trying to reach their spots. The experience is exhilerating. What made it more so was that many of the Elliv participants were seniors, taking part in one last killer performance before graduation. Elliv will be different next year, because so many will have graduated. Here's to the veteran Elliv performers that make the show great.

ONEVOICE FINAL CONCERT

Although not as showy or expensive as Elliv, the OneVoice final concert at AHOP twenty-four hours later packed just as much energy. The booming sound system kicked the atmopshere into high gear from the first note, and the worship only exploded from there. Sharing a stage with over one hundred other believers with hearts practically bursting with the love of God warms the soul and takes you to a place not quite any other. The Holy Spirit was present that evening, working in the hearts and minds of His children. Sunday was my last OneVoice event ever with Hope and Sarah, two ladies from the Australia team whom I love dearly.

[And this sentence, clearly not intended to close the paragraph, concludes what I wrote in May. My attempts to salvage meaning from distant thought begin here.]

CCF. Centerville Christian Fellowship, my church home during the spring months of 2012. If my memory serves me correctly, that weekend Josh and I played with several Cedarville students, some of them seniors. Or maybe we led with the band from CCF. Regardless, my memories of such Sunday mornings are fond ones. I love leading worship; it is an activity that I hope to continue as long as I can hold a pitch. But to the senior musicians, never stop leading congregations into the presence of God. Here's to you and your dedication to worship.

Seniors. Shoutouts. Now I remember. Kind of. I don't remember the lunch I referenced in my beginning notes, but I remember some of the people the people who deserve recognition. Recognition for what, you ask? First of all, they all received their diplomas. But I want to thank them for their friendship, advice, and leadership they showed to me and so many others over their three years at Cedarville. Yes, all three of them graduated after three years, for various reasons. But to the Ashley brothers and Josh D.... we'll miss you. We already do. Cedarville won't be the same without you, but you touched so many people here that will never be the same because of your influence. So thanks, and here's to you.

I guess that's all for now... but keep checking my blog for updates. They'll probably be pretty frequent. Now I'm a senior... time to go out with a bang.

Summer in a Nutshell

I refuse to begin my blog post unashamedly with a sentence resembling, "I can't believe I haven't posted in four months!" Frankly, the last four months have presented me with some of the deepest struggles I have ever experienced. For much of that time, I felt lost and confused, as if I were standing in an unending field of waving grass and no matter what direction I moved, everything looked exactly the same as if I had not taken a single step. A quick rundown of summer 2012 would look something like this:

OneVoice May tour! That took place, obviously, during the month of May. Although challenging at times, I learned a lot about myself and even more about the Lord during that time. I watched him provide for us, and I experienced his grace as I learned to conduct myself more confidently, humbly, and selflessly. I watched his Spirit move in churches as we sang, danced, and worshiped him as the one true living God. That month will remain in my heart for a long time.

Kansas City! I took my first trip to Missouri at the end of May tour and visited Josh's family for a week, during which time we completed all three movies in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and drove six hours round trip to see my friend marry the girl of his dreams. The remainder of the week was spent taking Josh's little brothers to the pool, visiting a few sites in downtown Kansas City, playing Disney's Scene It, and meeting about a million people stretched between visits to Josh's high school, church, and graduation open house. I became a proponent of chocolate almond milk, kicked a soccer ball around the Sonic parking lot because our car had broken down, and discovered my treacherously nonexistent ability to ride a Rip Stick. We attempted to build a fire several times with only one successful effort, during which most of our marshmallows mysteriously disappeared thanks to sweet-toothed little brothers hanging around. Speaking of little brothers, they recruited me to attack Josh with Nerf guns on my first day there, and on a difference occasion informed their parents that Josh and I were alone in the bedroom with the door closed when we were actually out talking on the back porch. Needless to say, they made the trip much more entertaining.

Florida! I flew home from Kansas City and found myself on a plane to Orlando with my family only a few days later. The trip was only three days - one day spent with my grandparents at their condo by the ocean, and two split between Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. Although short, we packed in a lot of memories involving Harry Potter world, Madagascar 3, and the new Despicable Me ride. Plus, my brother had never flown on a plane before, making the actual traveling much more exciting.

And then... home! Home. Finally, I was back. That was when things got weird. I couldn't find a job because the date was already mid-June, too late to apply for summer jobs when you're leaving for a difference state in less than two months. I felt out of place at church... too old to be in the youth group, and lost in the sea of one thousand adults who attend my church. So I sat at home, occasionally hanging out with friends on their days off, listening to their stories of work, making money, and socializing. I felt like no one needed me, so I was of no use to anyone and worthless as a result. I rarely received text messages or calls, and Facebook was an empty window to the rest of the world showing me all the fun everyone else was having. It sounds dramatic, and it was - but that was how I felt, so that was how I acted. I kept my feelings bottled up, because I didn't want to think about them. My relationship with God fell by the wayside... I wandered away from the stream of Living Water and gotten lost in my grassy field. I seldom opened my Bible because I was afraid of coming away empty.

Then I broke. I had talked to Josh on the phone almost every night throughout the summer, and he finally started pushing me more and more to deal with my feelings. And I cried, more than once, about a lot of different things. I started to recover, and spent time on my knees in prayer crying out for mercy and peace. I attended a college Bible study that had just begun at my church, and the relief of being honest about my struggles with someone and receiving encouragement helped lift the weight off my shoulders. My honest and urgent plea to you is to not let this happen to you. No one is exempt from falling away, because no one is safe from themselves. Choose Christ. Choose Christ every day, every moment. Otherwise, it's easy to slip and not notice until you're so far away that you don't know the way back. If you are already lost, realize that you cannot fight your way out alone because your heart will deceive you every time (Jeremiah 17:9).

On other summery notes, I came to Ohio for a week to re-paint my bedroom that I am living in this year. My brother and I drove to Buffalo, NY to visit family and see Niagara Falls. I also took a trip to Pennsylvania to watch two dear friends tie the knot. My last summer adventure took me to Illinois to see Josh and visit his new church where he works on staff as the worship leader. Maybe I'll tell you about that some other time, but this post has already gone a little long. And I don't want to distract you from my message to you in the previous paragraph... don't let your activities or your friends define you like I did. According to the message by Rob Turner this morning at Fall Bible Conference, that qualifies as idolatry. Don't fall into idolatry. Choose Christ.

Cedarville Is Blue

On Cedarville's campus, this week is fondly referred to as "hell week." It is the week before finals, and everyone mills around campus as usual, with two exceptions. The once joyous and cheerful faces now exude exhaustion, despair, or just a glazed over blank stare suspiciously resembling a character from an old zombie movie. In addition to this phenomenon, the concentration of students in and near the library increases approximately 66% (a similar increase can noted in the amount of electricity consumed in the dormitories after midnight). I myself have felt melancholy and blue for the past few weeks, and I'm not the only one. Everyone seems to feel this way. I've secretly been planning plausible ways to satisfy my urges to either run away or cry and hide under a blanket for the next ten days. Maybe I can clone myself and then stowaway on a Caribbean cruise line. I'm sure no one would notice.

But I can't run away or hide. I have things to do, people to see. The end of this year is different from freshman year. It is even different from last year. Travel back in time with me to spring 2010, the final culmination of my first year as a university student. I distinctly remember buying a footlong Spicy Italian sub from Subway and sitting on my bed for an entire day during finals week studying for my general chemistry exam. I also remember walking out of that final, meeting my friend Clara by the BTS, and lying down on the grass next to the lake just thinking "It's OVER. We did it!!!" I had never felt such a strong mixture of relief and relaxation. Summer had finally arrived.

Last year, the end of the year came and went without much trauma. After spring semester, I stayed on campus for three weeks and completed a three-credit intensive course during the month of May. Many of my friends attended May term as well, so the year never really ended... we just moved out of Maddox Hall and into McKinney Hall. And when May was over, there were only a few people to say goodbye to.

This year is different somehow. I'm a junior, and for the first time, I have dear friends who are graduating and will not be returning in the fall. No matter how badly I wish everything could just stay the same, I know that next year will be different and there's nothing I can do about it. My gut reaction implores me to forego all forms of academic achievement and enjoy a week and a half of coffee dates, shopping trips, picnics, and movies. But I can't do that. It's hell week. Even if my mountains of schoolwork magically disappeared, the reality is that everyone else has projects and exams to finish too. So where do we stand?

Today's chapel was Senior Class Chapel. Following the painfully boring reflections on Cedarville experiences and advice to underclassman, the band invited all of the seniors up onto the stage at the close of the service as the student body sang Be Thou My Vision. As I looked up onto the stage and stared at the familiar faces of my friends and boyfriend stand on the stage one last time, a wave of sadness but then one of excitement and anticipation washed over me. Yes, Cedarville will be different next year. Yes, all those people will be gone. But they will have gone out into the world equipped to make a difference in the world for the cause of Christ. I have friends graduating and entering fields of business, missions, church ministry, education, marketing, engineering, biological research, social work, etc. The list goes on. I will miss them, but it is right for them to go on! It is right for them to use their gifts, talents, and education to make a difference. One short year from now, it will be my turn to join them and someone else's turn to write a nostalgic piece about the depressing effects of graduation week. Yes, I will miss people. But it would be selfish of me to make them stick around, even if I had such a power.

My message to Cedarville's class of 2012? Make us proud. Choose to be excellent every single day, and inspire those of us who eagerly await our own graduation day. And honor Christ. Choose to be excellent every single day by allowing Him to use you to achieve great things for His eternal kingdom. A college degree is temporary... but heavenly rewards last forever.

NeVer ForgeT: A Memorial

Five years ago today, I remember sitting tensely in my sophomore English class staring at the television screen as we exchanged Shakespearean drama for news footage from Virginia Tech's campus. Three of our friends attended Virginia Tech, the location of the mass shooting that had taken place only minutes before. They had marched proudly across the stage of our tiny Christian school wearing cap and gown eleven months earlier, and were about to finish their first year in Hokieville. We had heard from two of them, but Rachael was still missing. In all the chaos and confusion, however, it was understandable that no one had heard from her. Phone lines were overloaded, and people were running everywhere. And the buzz screamed "The engineering building! He shot people in the engineering building!" Rachael had no reason to be in the engineering building. She must be fine.

All day and night came without any word. But the next morning, when our phone rang at six forty five, I knew the news before I heard it. Rachael was gone, a victim of violence and tragedy. She had no siblings, leaving her parents childless. The girl who had encouraged me, laughed with me, and taught me how to properly set a volleyball never made it past her first year of college. She had such a bright future, with talents and drive to make a significant difference in the world. As I collapsed onto my bed and sobbed into my pillow, I wondered why. Why Rachael?

Today, five years later, I ask a different question. Why anyone? Why did any of those 33 people have to die? Why did Rachael's classmate at our high school struggle through a Hodgkin's lymphoma diagnosis her senior year? Why did cancer defeat our English teacher, the same wonderful woman who watched that footage and wept with us on April 16, 2007, only a few years later? Today, I recognize something that I did not know at age fifteen. Today, I understand that Satan will stop at nothing to try to curb the work of God's saints. Disease, tragedy, and disaster delight him. Playing with chaos is one of his favorite games. No one is too good for Satan to mess with, not even you. Not even me. But I also know that my Savior is sovereign. He holds the world in his hands, and creation trembles in his presence. I know that He gives us an endless supply of peace, comfort, and strength at the very moments that Satan tries to strip them away.

I noticed that I have not heard anyone mention Virginia Tech today. No one has talked about the five year anniversary of the event that should have never happened. My mission is to remind you of what took place at in Blacksburg, VA on April 16, 2007. Whether my remarks leave you simply reflective or totally teary-eyed,  I want to extend Rachael's impact to as many souls as possible. Because Rachael did make a difference, not only in her life but in her death. Without her death, fewer people would think about God today. Fewer people would pray today. Fewer people would make important decisions to live well today. And fewer people would know God today. Can we at least praise Him for that?

New Day's Resolutions

I'm not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions for two reasons. First, all those bright and enthusiastic promises you make to yourself inevitably lead to disappointment. A few weeks (or months, if you're lucky), you slip back into your old ways, leaving your resolutions to rot in the ditch as you move on with your life. What once seemed like great ideas now seem horribly impossible, and you end up stuck in the old "I really thought I was going to stick to it this time" funk. Just visit your local YMCA once in January and again in April, and you'll see exactly what I mean.

The other reason I don't like New Year's Resolutions is that they provide a marvelous excuse to continue bad habits until January 1 rolls around again. Once your resolutions have suffered untimely deaths from the afore-mentioned fate, you now have numerous weeks and months to relax before you're allowed to try again. Making an annual attempt to change your habits is an unsurprisingly ineffective way to alter your daily routine. Daily life is just that - daily life, not yearly life. So today, I have some New Day resolutions to share with you.

• Check my phone less. I don't even have a smart phone, so no internet/facebook/twitter/angrybirds/templerun/wordswithfriends/yougettheidea. But I still pull it out constantly to check the time, or see if I have any texts that I missed. I should just get a watch. Last night, the vibrate mode stopped working properly... maybe that's a blessing in disguise.
• Spend intentional time with God every day. Whether it be diving deep into a Scripture passage, journaling a prayer, or sitting outside reflecting on the beauty of creation, I want to intentionally grow in my knowledge of God and his character. I say that He is the most important thing in my life, but do I act like it?
• Be on time. I'm late to things so often that late has become the new on time, because everyone expects me to be late. I can usually make it to "important" things on time - for example, I'm rarely late for class. But I always show up late for dinner with friends, etc. Bad habits spread... I want to be more responsible with my time. Plus, I don't want people to always have to wait for me.
• Stop procrastinating. For a while, I worked ahead in all of my classes, and it was wonderful. I completed assignments when I got them and avoided all sorts of stress. It was wonderful. Now that I have less work to do, it's really tempting to put it off. But again, I want to be responsible... and procrastination is a hard habit hard to break.
• Keep track of my spending. Having a debit card is great and terrible at the same time, because I don't have to carry much cash and rarely suffer from arm soreness caused by five extra pounds of dimes and pennies lost at the bottom of my purse... but since I always have money in my account, I don't keep track of how much I spend on what. It hasn't hurt me yet, but in the rapidly-approaching adult world, a lack of budgeting skills will cause a whole mess of problems.
• Read the news. With all the activities and responsibilities cramming into all the space in my life bubble, I don't read articles about what is going on outside my bubble as often as I should. I want to be in an informed citizen, and with all the available information out there, the responsibility to become one falls on my shoulders.

Why did I choose today to make these resolutions? I can't afford to make excuses any more, nor do I desire to make them. I'm quickly realizing that I'm an adult now. A few nights ago, my boyfriend and several other friends joyfully claimed their caps and gowns, their ticket into the real world time-stamped for 23 days from now. I'll be graduating from college in next year, and frankly, there's a lot that has to happen in those 389 days. I have no idea where I will go or what I will do once I walk across the stage in my own cap and gown. But I know that before that happens, some of my habits need to die hard and others need to become much more, well, habitual. And now that I've posted them on the internet, I have to stick to them because they'll never go away. So pray for me on my endeavors, friends. After all, you never know how much time you really have left.

"Never put off until tomorrow (or January 1) what you can do today."

- Thomas Jefferson

On the 10K

As of Saturday at 11:47am, I completed my second 10K. Don't get any ideas about my super-athletic ability; I actually walked the entire thing. (Not that I couldn't have run some of it... I was walking with two of my super-athletic friends who had a full marathon to run the next day.) Anyway, I participated in the 10K to support an organization in Nepal called the Red Thread Movement. Each year, Cedarville's chapter of International Justice Mission hosts a 6.2 mile race and donates all proceeds to a selected organization working to fight sex trafficking somewhere in the world. This year's recipient, the Red Thread Movement, partners with organizations in Nepal that maintain safe houses for rescued women, run border patrol between Nepal and India to catch traffickers transporting girls over the border, and provide vocational training for women as an alternate means of supporting themselves (read more about the Red Thread Movement here). IJM's goal this year was $10,000 - the slogan "10K for the 10K." 

Last year, as part of the volunteer planning committee, I was able to see the incredible amount of preparation and dedicated needed to pull of an event of such magnitude. I spent a few Saturdays visiting businesses in the Cedarville and Xenia areas asking for donations, and a few hours sitting at the registration table in Cedarville's student center. This year, although I was not as involved in the planning process, many of my friends are IJM officers and kept me filled in on how everything was going. Volunteers made a promotion video and posters, set up the website, found sponsors, obtained a park permit, and the list continues on and on. So much work for a single event, but an event that works to change people's lives. 

I love working with IJM. And what better place to promote social justice than a campus full of students who love Jesus and want to make a difference in the world in the name of Christ? 

Or so you'd think. 

For this year's 10K, we had close to 300 registered runners. Three hundred participants is a huge number for an org-sponsored event, especially at Cedarville where a hundred e-mails flood your inbox every day with promises of free candy, trivia games, and product sales supporting an worthy cause. (I learned my freshman year that it's not possible to buy every single t-shirt offered without depleting your entire bank balance in a single semester.) But I was still disappointed in the turnout. Let me explain.

Cedarville has around 3,200 students living in or around campus. Leaving a little giveway in the numbers for runners from outside Cedarville, that means that about one in eleven students ran the 10K. That's great, but a part of me emphatically insists that it's not enough. Most college students use their time between nine and noon on Saturdays for nothing more impactful than sleeping or Hulu. So why did we not have half of the student body participate? Or let's aim big... why not everyone?

Ignorance? I'm sorry, but no. You would have to live under a rock to not know about it. Announcements in chapel, posters in practically every building on campus, and a table with a catchy banner right between the campus coffee shop and the student mailboxes. Members of IJM gave presentations in their classes. Oh, and let's not forget the twenty-seven e-mails sent out to the entire Cedarville address book. The 10K would have been really hard to miss. 

Money? Maybe for some. But let's be real... this is Cedarville. We will pay close to 125 thousand dollars to our beloved institution by the time graduation rolls around. Granted, there are scholarships. Most students have to take out loans. But the incredible expense of our environment, not to mention the frequent dinners out, morning lattes, and filling up the gas tank, leads me to believe that only a small minority of students could not spare twenty dollars to help rescue to enslaved women. Besides, Biblical giving is supposed to be about sacrifice. The poor woman in Mark 12 gave all she had to the Lord, and Jesus said that she had given more than the rich men who gave large sums. Why are we afraid to give like this woman did? Are we afraid that God will not provide for us? I am afraid that many American Christians hug the word stewardship much too tightly and slip too far away from faith. 

Time? Time may be the most pervasive excuse that I heard. Many of the students I spoke with were going to be out of town, had to work, etc. And as a busy Cedarville student, I understand. Cedarville does a great job at giving you a schedule full of professors who think their class is the only one that matters, and subsequently providing a plethora of activities and ministry opportunities to fill any possible minute of spare time you might find. However, IJM offered options for students who could not physically attend the race. The Red Thread Movement provides materials for rescued Nepalese girls to make red bracelets, which we sold for $3. Students and faculty/staff with deeper pockets could sponsor runners, or simply donate money to the cause. No time, no help? I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. Even the "I have homework" excuse doesn't cut it in my book - I completed the race before noon, and I was one of the last to cross the finish line. Get real... vew few people actually have to study on Saturday morning.

And finally, the popular "I'm so bad at running!" Great. Me too. In fact, I hate to run long distances. In high school, my basketball team would run around the neighborhood surrounding our school for conditioning. During school on those days, I would think about the upcoming run all day, sometimes to the point that I would feel sick. (Yeah, it's lame. I know.) The magic seller with IJM's 10K is that it's actually a 10K Run/Walk. You're allowed to walk! In fact, a lot of people do. And just like the money excuse, part of the idea of the 10K is to experience something difficult. To push yourself out of our comfort zone and do something you would not normally do. This is something I need to remind myself of. The tagline for the Cedarville's 10K is something akin to "Possible Impossibilities. For some, running a 10K seems impossible. For others, escaping a life of sexual enslavement seems impossible. We are about making the impossible possible." So... you're bad at running? Good. Do it anyway.

Before some of you click the comment button while amidst gritted teeth and a red face, understand that this post is not meant to be an attack on those who chose not to participate in IJM's 10K. I also understand that my arguments are not airtight. My purpose in writing this is not to communicate anger or bitterness, but merely to convey my observations and frustrations. I want to make people think. To make you think. Think about your reasons for not helping a person in need when all it requires is a few hours of your time and a few dollars from your pocket. Are those reasons valid? Or are they just an excuse? 

In many Christian evangelical circles, living a godly life equals not drinking or having sex outside of marriage. To live a good Christian life, you must be a part of a nuclear family who attends church weekly and sends the kids to AWANA on Wednesday nights. You must have a stable, honest job and give 10% of your paycheck to the church. When it comes to evangelism, well, unless you're a missionary, your job is to invite your coworkers to the church picnic or maybe even a Bible study where the pastor will tell them about Jesus. None of the things I just mentioned are bad things. But isn't there more to living the Christian life? 

When talking to Cedarville students about the 10K, I could not help but mention my excitement. "Think about the incredible statement we could make if the entire student body ran a 10K to help woman enslaved in sex trafficking halfway around the world! What a great witness that would be to a society who sees Christians as self-centered hypocrites, or at the very best, no different from mainstream culture!" Alas, we failed to make such a statement. Please do not misunderstand me - I praise God for the three hundred participants and the money raised to help the Red Thread Movement. But I know the Cedarville student body, and the nagging question on my mind is this... couldn't we have done more?

To understand an influence that has pushed my thinking in this direction, read Radical by David Platt.

*Note: If you attend Cedarville (or even if you don't), I would love to hear a response to what I've been thinking about. Do you enthusiastically agree? Emphatically disagree?  I'd love to hear other thoughts on this! The comment box is right below this :)

You Changed Your Major?!?!?

This Week's Headline: I am no longer a biology education major.

To those of who you just threw up your hands and may need to raise your lower jaw, let me give you a moment to collect yourself. Ready? Let me explain.

Ever since high school, I have believed that God's path for my life involved teaching children and teenagers about creation. When I hear stories of church-going teenagers reject their faith because their teacher told them that Bible and science did not agree, my heart breaks. I cry for young girls and boys who believe that they are a freak accident of Mother Nature and have no lasting purpose for their existence. I want to teach the truth of the Bible and the wonder of science side by side. Cedarville's Life Science Education degree was the perfect fit. And so, two and a half years ago, my journey began. I took classes, classes, and more classes. Each semester I told myself, "You're just taking this many credits so that later on, the load will be lighter." I stand before you now about to begin my senior year, and my load was not going to be any lighter. In fact, next semester was going to be the busiest of all. But I was ready. I could handle it. I would have to give up some of my non-academic activities, but I would graduate with a degree ready to fulfill my destiny.

Then I started field experience at an urban charter school in Dayton. My teacher, although hospitable, was not very personable and did not even introduce me to his class on the first day. I observed the students pay him no respect or attention during the entire lecture. I realized that I did not want to come back the next day. But that was not the only stressor in my life that week. I had more schoolwork than I knew what to do with. I felt like I was neglecting my friends, my boyfriend, and my roommate because I had no time to spend with them. I skipped a concert I was supposed to be a part of because I could not attend enough rehearsals to learn the music. I backed out of volunteering at IJM's 10K that I had been so excited to help with. I was skipping meals because I had so much to do and no time to do it. I was tired - really tired. And field experience required that I be ready to leave campus by 6:25am every single day. I didn't know what to do. I cracked.

I started looking for any possible way out of field experience. But I knew that if I was going to graduate, I had to complete it. Unless.... unless I changed my major. But that's impossible, right? You can't change your major going into senior year. Unless.... unless you're a double major. Which I was. I had an epiphany: if I dropped my education major, I could graduate on time. I could save $25,000. I could actually enjoy my last year of undergrad instead of spending seven hours a day in class and getting up at 5:30am. I would have time to play music and hone my piano and guitar skills. I could finally learn to play the viola I bought on a whim last year but haven't had any time to play. I could take interesting classes for fun instead of hard classes for, well, not fun. I would have time to read things, time to write things, time to make things. Life would just be so much... better.

Now you blurt out the question, "But what about your purpose? Your destiny? Are you just throwing God's plan for your life down the drain because his path seems too hard?" I do not believe so. My ultimate purpose is to stay by His side and allow Him to lead me in whatever direction He chooses through showing love for my neighbor and honoring His name. I would still like to become a teacher someday, but I do not have to become one through Cedarville's education program. But over the past three years at Cedarville, God has given me a passion for other areas where truth and justice must be implemented. I have grown to understand that "God's will for my life" is not limited to a single path that I can follow or reject. Through prayer and the counsel of my parents, my professors, and my friends, I made the decision to drop my education major. I will finish this semester with twelve credits, one of which is tutoring biology students at the high school across the street. I'm not totally dumping this whole teaching thing just yet!

And so, I changed my major. I will graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in biology, a Bible minor, a music minor, and completion of the honors program. And if I return to college for a teaching degree, I have a plethora of education classes already on my transcript. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. But even more importantly, I will graduate and leave Cedarville University with a better understanding of myself and of my Savior. I will leave with life-long friendships made and life-long lessons learned. I will finish, and I will finish well.

Blessings of Grace

The magnitude of God’s blessings are overwhelming at times. That’s how I’ve been feeling recently. Although some of my excitement might be due to the multiple espresso shots running ramped  through my system after a three-hour cat nap last night, God’s blessings still abound. I shake my head whenever I take a moment to reflect on the extent of my brokenness… my selfish tendencies, my prideful thoughts, my perfect Christian façade that often takes me captive while I live in ignorance. I am human. No one will ever be able to convince me that the human race is inherently good, because even though I am “good” by the world’s standards, I often wake up overwhelmingly ashamed of myself. I constantly make decisions I regret, hurt the people I love most, and neglect to care for my neighbor. But somehow, God’s grace shines brighter than all of my shortcomings. He has blessed me to the point that I cannot fathom why He would do such things. I can only accept them with gratefulness and awestruck praise. Here I am, an upperclassman honors student at Cedarville University driving in the fast lane on what many would consider the road to success. I have friends who love me… friends who forgive me when I do something stupid, eat meals at off times to accommodate my hectic schedule, bring me coffee when I’m tired, and put encouraging notes in my mailbox. I have a family at home who will drop whatever they are doing to talk on the phone when I call. I don’t deserve it. 

I guess we’re all in the same situation, really. We’re all screwed up on the inside. It’s a part of the world we live in. Human nature. But by God’s grace, we can stand to live in harmony with one another. With God’s love, we can love one another even at our most unlovable moments. Through God’s eyes, we can see the beauty shine through all the ugliness surrounding us. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace. Thank you for your love. And thank you for making us beautiful when our best attempts yield only failure. Reflect on your blessings today... and allow yourself to be overwhelmed.