Summer in a Nutshell

I refuse to begin my blog post unashamedly with a sentence resembling, "I can't believe I haven't posted in four months!" Frankly, the last four months have presented me with some of the deepest struggles I have ever experienced. For much of that time, I felt lost and confused, as if I were standing in an unending field of waving grass and no matter what direction I moved, everything looked exactly the same as if I had not taken a single step. A quick rundown of summer 2012 would look something like this:

OneVoice May tour! That took place, obviously, during the month of May. Although challenging at times, I learned a lot about myself and even more about the Lord during that time. I watched him provide for us, and I experienced his grace as I learned to conduct myself more confidently, humbly, and selflessly. I watched his Spirit move in churches as we sang, danced, and worshiped him as the one true living God. That month will remain in my heart for a long time.

Kansas City! I took my first trip to Missouri at the end of May tour and visited Josh's family for a week, during which time we completed all three movies in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and drove six hours round trip to see my friend marry the girl of his dreams. The remainder of the week was spent taking Josh's little brothers to the pool, visiting a few sites in downtown Kansas City, playing Disney's Scene It, and meeting about a million people stretched between visits to Josh's high school, church, and graduation open house. I became a proponent of chocolate almond milk, kicked a soccer ball around the Sonic parking lot because our car had broken down, and discovered my treacherously nonexistent ability to ride a Rip Stick. We attempted to build a fire several times with only one successful effort, during which most of our marshmallows mysteriously disappeared thanks to sweet-toothed little brothers hanging around. Speaking of little brothers, they recruited me to attack Josh with Nerf guns on my first day there, and on a difference occasion informed their parents that Josh and I were alone in the bedroom with the door closed when we were actually out talking on the back porch. Needless to say, they made the trip much more entertaining.

Florida! I flew home from Kansas City and found myself on a plane to Orlando with my family only a few days later. The trip was only three days - one day spent with my grandparents at their condo by the ocean, and two split between Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. Although short, we packed in a lot of memories involving Harry Potter world, Madagascar 3, and the new Despicable Me ride. Plus, my brother had never flown on a plane before, making the actual traveling much more exciting.

And then... home! Home. Finally, I was back. That was when things got weird. I couldn't find a job because the date was already mid-June, too late to apply for summer jobs when you're leaving for a difference state in less than two months. I felt out of place at church... too old to be in the youth group, and lost in the sea of one thousand adults who attend my church. So I sat at home, occasionally hanging out with friends on their days off, listening to their stories of work, making money, and socializing. I felt like no one needed me, so I was of no use to anyone and worthless as a result. I rarely received text messages or calls, and Facebook was an empty window to the rest of the world showing me all the fun everyone else was having. It sounds dramatic, and it was - but that was how I felt, so that was how I acted. I kept my feelings bottled up, because I didn't want to think about them. My relationship with God fell by the wayside... I wandered away from the stream of Living Water and gotten lost in my grassy field. I seldom opened my Bible because I was afraid of coming away empty.

Then I broke. I had talked to Josh on the phone almost every night throughout the summer, and he finally started pushing me more and more to deal with my feelings. And I cried, more than once, about a lot of different things. I started to recover, and spent time on my knees in prayer crying out for mercy and peace. I attended a college Bible study that had just begun at my church, and the relief of being honest about my struggles with someone and receiving encouragement helped lift the weight off my shoulders. My honest and urgent plea to you is to not let this happen to you. No one is exempt from falling away, because no one is safe from themselves. Choose Christ. Choose Christ every day, every moment. Otherwise, it's easy to slip and not notice until you're so far away that you don't know the way back. If you are already lost, realize that you cannot fight your way out alone because your heart will deceive you every time (Jeremiah 17:9).

On other summery notes, I came to Ohio for a week to re-paint my bedroom that I am living in this year. My brother and I drove to Buffalo, NY to visit family and see Niagara Falls. I also took a trip to Pennsylvania to watch two dear friends tie the knot. My last summer adventure took me to Illinois to see Josh and visit his new church where he works on staff as the worship leader. Maybe I'll tell you about that some other time, but this post has already gone a little long. And I don't want to distract you from my message to you in the previous paragraph... don't let your activities or your friends define you like I did. According to the message by Rob Turner this morning at Fall Bible Conference, that qualifies as idolatry. Don't fall into idolatry. Choose Christ.

Cedarville Is Blue

On Cedarville's campus, this week is fondly referred to as "hell week." It is the week before finals, and everyone mills around campus as usual, with two exceptions. The once joyous and cheerful faces now exude exhaustion, despair, or just a glazed over blank stare suspiciously resembling a character from an old zombie movie. In addition to this phenomenon, the concentration of students in and near the library increases approximately 66% (a similar increase can noted in the amount of electricity consumed in the dormitories after midnight). I myself have felt melancholy and blue for the past few weeks, and I'm not the only one. Everyone seems to feel this way. I've secretly been planning plausible ways to satisfy my urges to either run away or cry and hide under a blanket for the next ten days. Maybe I can clone myself and then stowaway on a Caribbean cruise line. I'm sure no one would notice.

But I can't run away or hide. I have things to do, people to see. The end of this year is different from freshman year. It is even different from last year. Travel back in time with me to spring 2010, the final culmination of my first year as a university student. I distinctly remember buying a footlong Spicy Italian sub from Subway and sitting on my bed for an entire day during finals week studying for my general chemistry exam. I also remember walking out of that final, meeting my friend Clara by the BTS, and lying down on the grass next to the lake just thinking "It's OVER. We did it!!!" I had never felt such a strong mixture of relief and relaxation. Summer had finally arrived.

Last year, the end of the year came and went without much trauma. After spring semester, I stayed on campus for three weeks and completed a three-credit intensive course during the month of May. Many of my friends attended May term as well, so the year never really ended... we just moved out of Maddox Hall and into McKinney Hall. And when May was over, there were only a few people to say goodbye to.

This year is different somehow. I'm a junior, and for the first time, I have dear friends who are graduating and will not be returning in the fall. No matter how badly I wish everything could just stay the same, I know that next year will be different and there's nothing I can do about it. My gut reaction implores me to forego all forms of academic achievement and enjoy a week and a half of coffee dates, shopping trips, picnics, and movies. But I can't do that. It's hell week. Even if my mountains of schoolwork magically disappeared, the reality is that everyone else has projects and exams to finish too. So where do we stand?

Today's chapel was Senior Class Chapel. Following the painfully boring reflections on Cedarville experiences and advice to underclassman, the band invited all of the seniors up onto the stage at the close of the service as the student body sang Be Thou My Vision. As I looked up onto the stage and stared at the familiar faces of my friends and boyfriend stand on the stage one last time, a wave of sadness but then one of excitement and anticipation washed over me. Yes, Cedarville will be different next year. Yes, all those people will be gone. But they will have gone out into the world equipped to make a difference in the world for the cause of Christ. I have friends graduating and entering fields of business, missions, church ministry, education, marketing, engineering, biological research, social work, etc. The list goes on. I will miss them, but it is right for them to go on! It is right for them to use their gifts, talents, and education to make a difference. One short year from now, it will be my turn to join them and someone else's turn to write a nostalgic piece about the depressing effects of graduation week. Yes, I will miss people. But it would be selfish of me to make them stick around, even if I had such a power.

My message to Cedarville's class of 2012? Make us proud. Choose to be excellent every single day, and inspire those of us who eagerly await our own graduation day. And honor Christ. Choose to be excellent every single day by allowing Him to use you to achieve great things for His eternal kingdom. A college degree is temporary... but heavenly rewards last forever.

NeVer ForgeT: A Memorial

Five years ago today, I remember sitting tensely in my sophomore English class staring at the television screen as we exchanged Shakespearean drama for news footage from Virginia Tech's campus. Three of our friends attended Virginia Tech, the location of the mass shooting that had taken place only minutes before. They had marched proudly across the stage of our tiny Christian school wearing cap and gown eleven months earlier, and were about to finish their first year in Hokieville. We had heard from two of them, but Rachael was still missing. In all the chaos and confusion, however, it was understandable that no one had heard from her. Phone lines were overloaded, and people were running everywhere. And the buzz screamed "The engineering building! He shot people in the engineering building!" Rachael had no reason to be in the engineering building. She must be fine.

All day and night came without any word. But the next morning, when our phone rang at six forty five, I knew the news before I heard it. Rachael was gone, a victim of violence and tragedy. She had no siblings, leaving her parents childless. The girl who had encouraged me, laughed with me, and taught me how to properly set a volleyball never made it past her first year of college. She had such a bright future, with talents and drive to make a significant difference in the world. As I collapsed onto my bed and sobbed into my pillow, I wondered why. Why Rachael?

Today, five years later, I ask a different question. Why anyone? Why did any of those 33 people have to die? Why did Rachael's classmate at our high school struggle through a Hodgkin's lymphoma diagnosis her senior year? Why did cancer defeat our English teacher, the same wonderful woman who watched that footage and wept with us on April 16, 2007, only a few years later? Today, I recognize something that I did not know at age fifteen. Today, I understand that Satan will stop at nothing to try to curb the work of God's saints. Disease, tragedy, and disaster delight him. Playing with chaos is one of his favorite games. No one is too good for Satan to mess with, not even you. Not even me. But I also know that my Savior is sovereign. He holds the world in his hands, and creation trembles in his presence. I know that He gives us an endless supply of peace, comfort, and strength at the very moments that Satan tries to strip them away.

I noticed that I have not heard anyone mention Virginia Tech today. No one has talked about the five year anniversary of the event that should have never happened. My mission is to remind you of what took place at in Blacksburg, VA on April 16, 2007. Whether my remarks leave you simply reflective or totally teary-eyed,  I want to extend Rachael's impact to as many souls as possible. Because Rachael did make a difference, not only in her life but in her death. Without her death, fewer people would think about God today. Fewer people would pray today. Fewer people would make important decisions to live well today. And fewer people would know God today. Can we at least praise Him for that?

New Day's Resolutions

I'm not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions for two reasons. First, all those bright and enthusiastic promises you make to yourself inevitably lead to disappointment. A few weeks (or months, if you're lucky), you slip back into your old ways, leaving your resolutions to rot in the ditch as you move on with your life. What once seemed like great ideas now seem horribly impossible, and you end up stuck in the old "I really thought I was going to stick to it this time" funk. Just visit your local YMCA once in January and again in April, and you'll see exactly what I mean.

The other reason I don't like New Year's Resolutions is that they provide a marvelous excuse to continue bad habits until January 1 rolls around again. Once your resolutions have suffered untimely deaths from the afore-mentioned fate, you now have numerous weeks and months to relax before you're allowed to try again. Making an annual attempt to change your habits is an unsurprisingly ineffective way to alter your daily routine. Daily life is just that - daily life, not yearly life. So today, I have some New Day resolutions to share with you.

• Check my phone less. I don't even have a smart phone, so no internet/facebook/twitter/angrybirds/templerun/wordswithfriends/yougettheidea. But I still pull it out constantly to check the time, or see if I have any texts that I missed. I should just get a watch. Last night, the vibrate mode stopped working properly... maybe that's a blessing in disguise.
• Spend intentional time with God every day. Whether it be diving deep into a Scripture passage, journaling a prayer, or sitting outside reflecting on the beauty of creation, I want to intentionally grow in my knowledge of God and his character. I say that He is the most important thing in my life, but do I act like it?
• Be on time. I'm late to things so often that late has become the new on time, because everyone expects me to be late. I can usually make it to "important" things on time - for example, I'm rarely late for class. But I always show up late for dinner with friends, etc. Bad habits spread... I want to be more responsible with my time. Plus, I don't want people to always have to wait for me.
• Stop procrastinating. For a while, I worked ahead in all of my classes, and it was wonderful. I completed assignments when I got them and avoided all sorts of stress. It was wonderful. Now that I have less work to do, it's really tempting to put it off. But again, I want to be responsible... and procrastination is a hard habit hard to break.
• Keep track of my spending. Having a debit card is great and terrible at the same time, because I don't have to carry much cash and rarely suffer from arm soreness caused by five extra pounds of dimes and pennies lost at the bottom of my purse... but since I always have money in my account, I don't keep track of how much I spend on what. It hasn't hurt me yet, but in the rapidly-approaching adult world, a lack of budgeting skills will cause a whole mess of problems.
• Read the news. With all the activities and responsibilities cramming into all the space in my life bubble, I don't read articles about what is going on outside my bubble as often as I should. I want to be in an informed citizen, and with all the available information out there, the responsibility to become one falls on my shoulders.

Why did I choose today to make these resolutions? I can't afford to make excuses any more, nor do I desire to make them. I'm quickly realizing that I'm an adult now. A few nights ago, my boyfriend and several other friends joyfully claimed their caps and gowns, their ticket into the real world time-stamped for 23 days from now. I'll be graduating from college in next year, and frankly, there's a lot that has to happen in those 389 days. I have no idea where I will go or what I will do once I walk across the stage in my own cap and gown. But I know that before that happens, some of my habits need to die hard and others need to become much more, well, habitual. And now that I've posted them on the internet, I have to stick to them because they'll never go away. So pray for me on my endeavors, friends. After all, you never know how much time you really have left.

"Never put off until tomorrow (or January 1) what you can do today."

- Thomas Jefferson

On the 10K

As of Saturday at 11:47am, I completed my second 10K. Don't get any ideas about my super-athletic ability; I actually walked the entire thing. (Not that I couldn't have run some of it... I was walking with two of my super-athletic friends who had a full marathon to run the next day.) Anyway, I participated in the 10K to support an organization in Nepal called the Red Thread Movement. Each year, Cedarville's chapter of International Justice Mission hosts a 6.2 mile race and donates all proceeds to a selected organization working to fight sex trafficking somewhere in the world. This year's recipient, the Red Thread Movement, partners with organizations in Nepal that maintain safe houses for rescued women, run border patrol between Nepal and India to catch traffickers transporting girls over the border, and provide vocational training for women as an alternate means of supporting themselves (read more about the Red Thread Movement here). IJM's goal this year was $10,000 - the slogan "10K for the 10K." 

Last year, as part of the volunteer planning committee, I was able to see the incredible amount of preparation and dedicated needed to pull of an event of such magnitude. I spent a few Saturdays visiting businesses in the Cedarville and Xenia areas asking for donations, and a few hours sitting at the registration table in Cedarville's student center. This year, although I was not as involved in the planning process, many of my friends are IJM officers and kept me filled in on how everything was going. Volunteers made a promotion video and posters, set up the website, found sponsors, obtained a park permit, and the list continues on and on. So much work for a single event, but an event that works to change people's lives. 

I love working with IJM. And what better place to promote social justice than a campus full of students who love Jesus and want to make a difference in the world in the name of Christ? 

Or so you'd think. 

For this year's 10K, we had close to 300 registered runners. Three hundred participants is a huge number for an org-sponsored event, especially at Cedarville where a hundred e-mails flood your inbox every day with promises of free candy, trivia games, and product sales supporting an worthy cause. (I learned my freshman year that it's not possible to buy every single t-shirt offered without depleting your entire bank balance in a single semester.) But I was still disappointed in the turnout. Let me explain.

Cedarville has around 3,200 students living in or around campus. Leaving a little giveway in the numbers for runners from outside Cedarville, that means that about one in eleven students ran the 10K. That's great, but a part of me emphatically insists that it's not enough. Most college students use their time between nine and noon on Saturdays for nothing more impactful than sleeping or Hulu. So why did we not have half of the student body participate? Or let's aim big... why not everyone?

Ignorance? I'm sorry, but no. You would have to live under a rock to not know about it. Announcements in chapel, posters in practically every building on campus, and a table with a catchy banner right between the campus coffee shop and the student mailboxes. Members of IJM gave presentations in their classes. Oh, and let's not forget the twenty-seven e-mails sent out to the entire Cedarville address book. The 10K would have been really hard to miss. 

Money? Maybe for some. But let's be real... this is Cedarville. We will pay close to 125 thousand dollars to our beloved institution by the time graduation rolls around. Granted, there are scholarships. Most students have to take out loans. But the incredible expense of our environment, not to mention the frequent dinners out, morning lattes, and filling up the gas tank, leads me to believe that only a small minority of students could not spare twenty dollars to help rescue to enslaved women. Besides, Biblical giving is supposed to be about sacrifice. The poor woman in Mark 12 gave all she had to the Lord, and Jesus said that she had given more than the rich men who gave large sums. Why are we afraid to give like this woman did? Are we afraid that God will not provide for us? I am afraid that many American Christians hug the word stewardship much too tightly and slip too far away from faith. 

Time? Time may be the most pervasive excuse that I heard. Many of the students I spoke with were going to be out of town, had to work, etc. And as a busy Cedarville student, I understand. Cedarville does a great job at giving you a schedule full of professors who think their class is the only one that matters, and subsequently providing a plethora of activities and ministry opportunities to fill any possible minute of spare time you might find. However, IJM offered options for students who could not physically attend the race. The Red Thread Movement provides materials for rescued Nepalese girls to make red bracelets, which we sold for $3. Students and faculty/staff with deeper pockets could sponsor runners, or simply donate money to the cause. No time, no help? I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. Even the "I have homework" excuse doesn't cut it in my book - I completed the race before noon, and I was one of the last to cross the finish line. Get real... vew few people actually have to study on Saturday morning.

And finally, the popular "I'm so bad at running!" Great. Me too. In fact, I hate to run long distances. In high school, my basketball team would run around the neighborhood surrounding our school for conditioning. During school on those days, I would think about the upcoming run all day, sometimes to the point that I would feel sick. (Yeah, it's lame. I know.) The magic seller with IJM's 10K is that it's actually a 10K Run/Walk. You're allowed to walk! In fact, a lot of people do. And just like the money excuse, part of the idea of the 10K is to experience something difficult. To push yourself out of our comfort zone and do something you would not normally do. This is something I need to remind myself of. The tagline for the Cedarville's 10K is something akin to "Possible Impossibilities. For some, running a 10K seems impossible. For others, escaping a life of sexual enslavement seems impossible. We are about making the impossible possible." So... you're bad at running? Good. Do it anyway.

Before some of you click the comment button while amidst gritted teeth and a red face, understand that this post is not meant to be an attack on those who chose not to participate in IJM's 10K. I also understand that my arguments are not airtight. My purpose in writing this is not to communicate anger or bitterness, but merely to convey my observations and frustrations. I want to make people think. To make you think. Think about your reasons for not helping a person in need when all it requires is a few hours of your time and a few dollars from your pocket. Are those reasons valid? Or are they just an excuse? 

In many Christian evangelical circles, living a godly life equals not drinking or having sex outside of marriage. To live a good Christian life, you must be a part of a nuclear family who attends church weekly and sends the kids to AWANA on Wednesday nights. You must have a stable, honest job and give 10% of your paycheck to the church. When it comes to evangelism, well, unless you're a missionary, your job is to invite your coworkers to the church picnic or maybe even a Bible study where the pastor will tell them about Jesus. None of the things I just mentioned are bad things. But isn't there more to living the Christian life? 

When talking to Cedarville students about the 10K, I could not help but mention my excitement. "Think about the incredible statement we could make if the entire student body ran a 10K to help woman enslaved in sex trafficking halfway around the world! What a great witness that would be to a society who sees Christians as self-centered hypocrites, or at the very best, no different from mainstream culture!" Alas, we failed to make such a statement. Please do not misunderstand me - I praise God for the three hundred participants and the money raised to help the Red Thread Movement. But I know the Cedarville student body, and the nagging question on my mind is this... couldn't we have done more?

To understand an influence that has pushed my thinking in this direction, read Radical by David Platt.

*Note: If you attend Cedarville (or even if you don't), I would love to hear a response to what I've been thinking about. Do you enthusiastically agree? Emphatically disagree?  I'd love to hear other thoughts on this! The comment box is right below this :)

You Changed Your Major?!?!?

This Week's Headline: I am no longer a biology education major.

To those of who you just threw up your hands and may need to raise your lower jaw, let me give you a moment to collect yourself. Ready? Let me explain.

Ever since high school, I have believed that God's path for my life involved teaching children and teenagers about creation. When I hear stories of church-going teenagers reject their faith because their teacher told them that Bible and science did not agree, my heart breaks. I cry for young girls and boys who believe that they are a freak accident of Mother Nature and have no lasting purpose for their existence. I want to teach the truth of the Bible and the wonder of science side by side. Cedarville's Life Science Education degree was the perfect fit. And so, two and a half years ago, my journey began. I took classes, classes, and more classes. Each semester I told myself, "You're just taking this many credits so that later on, the load will be lighter." I stand before you now about to begin my senior year, and my load was not going to be any lighter. In fact, next semester was going to be the busiest of all. But I was ready. I could handle it. I would have to give up some of my non-academic activities, but I would graduate with a degree ready to fulfill my destiny.

Then I started field experience at an urban charter school in Dayton. My teacher, although hospitable, was not very personable and did not even introduce me to his class on the first day. I observed the students pay him no respect or attention during the entire lecture. I realized that I did not want to come back the next day. But that was not the only stressor in my life that week. I had more schoolwork than I knew what to do with. I felt like I was neglecting my friends, my boyfriend, and my roommate because I had no time to spend with them. I skipped a concert I was supposed to be a part of because I could not attend enough rehearsals to learn the music. I backed out of volunteering at IJM's 10K that I had been so excited to help with. I was skipping meals because I had so much to do and no time to do it. I was tired - really tired. And field experience required that I be ready to leave campus by 6:25am every single day. I didn't know what to do. I cracked.

I started looking for any possible way out of field experience. But I knew that if I was going to graduate, I had to complete it. Unless.... unless I changed my major. But that's impossible, right? You can't change your major going into senior year. Unless.... unless you're a double major. Which I was. I had an epiphany: if I dropped my education major, I could graduate on time. I could save $25,000. I could actually enjoy my last year of undergrad instead of spending seven hours a day in class and getting up at 5:30am. I would have time to play music and hone my piano and guitar skills. I could finally learn to play the viola I bought on a whim last year but haven't had any time to play. I could take interesting classes for fun instead of hard classes for, well, not fun. I would have time to read things, time to write things, time to make things. Life would just be so much... better.

Now you blurt out the question, "But what about your purpose? Your destiny? Are you just throwing God's plan for your life down the drain because his path seems too hard?" I do not believe so. My ultimate purpose is to stay by His side and allow Him to lead me in whatever direction He chooses through showing love for my neighbor and honoring His name. I would still like to become a teacher someday, but I do not have to become one through Cedarville's education program. But over the past three years at Cedarville, God has given me a passion for other areas where truth and justice must be implemented. I have grown to understand that "God's will for my life" is not limited to a single path that I can follow or reject. Through prayer and the counsel of my parents, my professors, and my friends, I made the decision to drop my education major. I will finish this semester with twelve credits, one of which is tutoring biology students at the high school across the street. I'm not totally dumping this whole teaching thing just yet!

And so, I changed my major. I will graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in biology, a Bible minor, a music minor, and completion of the honors program. And if I return to college for a teaching degree, I have a plethora of education classes already on my transcript. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. But even more importantly, I will graduate and leave Cedarville University with a better understanding of myself and of my Savior. I will leave with life-long friendships made and life-long lessons learned. I will finish, and I will finish well.

Blessings of Grace

The magnitude of God’s blessings are overwhelming at times. That’s how I’ve been feeling recently. Although some of my excitement might be due to the multiple espresso shots running ramped  through my system after a three-hour cat nap last night, God’s blessings still abound. I shake my head whenever I take a moment to reflect on the extent of my brokenness… my selfish tendencies, my prideful thoughts, my perfect Christian façade that often takes me captive while I live in ignorance. I am human. No one will ever be able to convince me that the human race is inherently good, because even though I am “good” by the world’s standards, I often wake up overwhelmingly ashamed of myself. I constantly make decisions I regret, hurt the people I love most, and neglect to care for my neighbor. But somehow, God’s grace shines brighter than all of my shortcomings. He has blessed me to the point that I cannot fathom why He would do such things. I can only accept them with gratefulness and awestruck praise. Here I am, an upperclassman honors student at Cedarville University driving in the fast lane on what many would consider the road to success. I have friends who love me… friends who forgive me when I do something stupid, eat meals at off times to accommodate my hectic schedule, bring me coffee when I’m tired, and put encouraging notes in my mailbox. I have a family at home who will drop whatever they are doing to talk on the phone when I call. I don’t deserve it. 

I guess we’re all in the same situation, really. We’re all screwed up on the inside. It’s a part of the world we live in. Human nature. But by God’s grace, we can stand to live in harmony with one another. With God’s love, we can love one another even at our most unlovable moments. Through God’s eyes, we can see the beauty shine through all the ugliness surrounding us. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace. Thank you for your love. And thank you for making us beautiful when our best attempts yield only failure. Reflect on your blessings today... and allow yourself to be overwhelmed.