April 5, 2012
I've done a really great job this week feeling like a failure. Nothing too major, but moments keep happening when I become extremely disappointed in myself. It all started this past weekend on choir tour when I felt uncontrollably upset about a situation that, frankly, I couldn't do anything about. During my attempts to explain how I felt, I kept stumbling over my words and saying things that I didn't mean. And later, during my fits of trying to sleep on the floor in a freezing cold room, I remembered that I had failed to put in a sub request for the work shift I was going to miss the next day. Whoops. Also on the list of not-so-fine moments this week have been the time where I watched Hulu instead of writing a paper, neglected to practice piano for the fifth day in a row, and pushed the wrong buttons on the washing machine thereby sending my hopefully-not-so-delicate sweaters and things to a warm water wonderland. For (hopefully) the grand finale, I woke up a whopping two and a half hours late this morning. I slumbered straight through the time I was planning on using for a shower, breakafast, piano practicing time (to make up for all the days I missed), and I also missed my first half hour of work. How does that even happen? It usually doesn't happen to me. I didn't even stay up late last night.
This week, I am celebrating my second week of non-biology-education-major-ness. Because of all the classes I dropped, I only have eight credits to complete this semester. That's not even full-time student status. Yet somehow, I'm just as busy as ever. I keep wasting time. People keep telling me that it's okay to relax, but somehow I just can't believe that it's okay to take this much relaxation. I keep refusing to trust the people closest to me. And that makes me feel even worse.
I guess the reason that I feel so bad about all these little failues is because I expect a lot from myself. I have spent most of my life, especially my college life, working extremely hard. People always tell me how responsible I am, and how they appreciate the fact that I will complete any task I am given. Praise like that does great things for self-esteem and even better for motivation. But for me, it's pressure. And most of the pressure is self-inflicted. That's what I have trouble realizing. How much is too much? How much can I not do and it still be okay? Where is the line between relaxing and lazy?
So here I am, feeling like a screw-up... but inside, I know that I am still
August 21, 2012
...still what? Still a daughter of the King. Still chosen and loved by God. Still breathing only because of Christ's unending grace. Still alive in Jesus Christ. Still powered by the Holy Spirit of the Lord who dwells within me. That is who I am. And because of those things, I have joy. My identity lies not in my successes or my failures, but in my risen Savior who brought me out of death and saved me from myself, from a meaningless life, and from eternity in hell. And He has blessed me with the privilege to share my hope and my identity with others. Such a life could not be farther away from failure.
[Note: I drafted this blog post on May 4, 2012. I had noted at the top of the page to write about leading worship at CCF (the church I attended last semester), and something about lunch and seniors. Unfortunately, I never finished writing. Today, I do not remember what I intended to say. Even the title of the post does not seem to match the content. The fact that those words have been lost saddens me and inspires me to write intentionally and often. I will attempt to reassemble my thoughts and feelings, but their impact will certainly fall short of my original hopes. Nevertheless, please enjoy my thoughts and descriptions of Elliv and the OneVoice final concert written in May, and my thoughts about CCF and friends who have graduated and moved on to bigger and better things.]
ELLIV
Proudly named "Ville" spelled backwards, Elliv is an annual Cedarville tradition anticipated by most and scorned by few. Elliv, a mock awards show with over a $25,000 budget (my guess based on ticket sales), gives Cedarville students the opportunity to dress up in their old prom dresses from senior year or in a crazy costume that might just get them pulled on stage during the event. Students vote on superlatives like best artist or greatest athletic accmoplishment, and the winners receive a trophy in the form of a miniature version of "the rock" on campus that is spray painted with a new design every other day. The real draw for Elliv, however, is not the costumes or the awards, but the music. Check the pop charts back around October, and you'll probably be able to pick out a few that will be in Elliv the following April. The best musicians, singers, and dancers on campus collaborate to create stellar musical numbers, which this year, included Paradise (Coldplay), Without You (David Guetta), Turning Tables (Adele), and a We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions (Queen) medley that had the crowd wild with excitement. The Elliv committee spares no expense, bringing in a new stage set, lights, fog, and maybe even pyrotechnics. And thanks to today's technology, the entire show finds its way to YouTube, ensuring that the magic is never lost.
This year was my first time being involved in Elliv. I sang backup during the opening number (Dog Days by Florence and the Machine), and had a blast. There's nothing quite like the rush of the applause, standing on stage in darkness waiting for the the cue for song to begin. The best part (one that I didn't mention before) is that all the Elliv acts are kept secret from anyone not actually in the show. The rumor mill starts turning in the weeks before the show, but by in large, most students have no idea what to expect. The atmosphere backstage at Elliv is high energy and crazy. In between acts, performers are wandering aimlessly around the twenty-square-foot area waiting for their cue. Once the cue comes, madness ensues as mic packs are exchanged, equipment is bustled on and offstage, and people trip over one another trying to reach their spots. The experience is exhilerating. What made it more so was that many of the Elliv participants were seniors, taking part in one last killer performance before graduation. Elliv will be different next year, because so many will have graduated. Here's to the veteran Elliv performers that make the show great.
ONEVOICE FINAL CONCERT
Although not as showy or expensive as Elliv, the OneVoice final concert at AHOP twenty-four hours later packed just as much energy. The booming sound system kicked the atmopshere into high gear from the first note, and the worship only exploded from there. Sharing a stage with over one hundred other believers with hearts practically bursting with the love of God warms the soul and takes you to a place not quite any other. The Holy Spirit was present that evening, working in the hearts and minds of His children. Sunday was my last OneVoice event ever with Hope and Sarah, two ladies from the Australia team whom I love dearly.
[And this sentence, clearly not intended to close the paragraph, concludes what I wrote in May. My attempts to salvage meaning from distant thought begin here.]
CCF. Centerville Christian Fellowship, my church home during the spring months of 2012. If my memory serves me correctly, that weekend Josh and I played with several Cedarville students, some of them seniors. Or maybe we led with the band from CCF. Regardless, my memories of such Sunday mornings are fond ones. I love leading worship; it is an activity that I hope to continue as long as I can hold a pitch. But to the senior musicians, never stop leading congregations into the presence of God. Here's to you and your dedication to worship.
Seniors. Shoutouts. Now I remember. Kind of. I don't remember the lunch I referenced in my beginning notes, but I remember some of the people the people who deserve recognition. Recognition for what, you ask? First of all, they all received their diplomas. But I want to thank them for their friendship, advice, and leadership they showed to me and so many others over their three years at Cedarville. Yes, all three of them graduated after three years, for various reasons. But to the Ashley brothers and Josh D.... we'll miss you. We already do. Cedarville won't be the same without you, but you touched so many people here that will never be the same because of your influence. So thanks, and here's to you.
I guess that's all for now... but keep checking my blog for updates. They'll probably be pretty frequent. Now I'm a senior... time to go out with a bang.
I refuse to begin my blog post unashamedly with a sentence resembling, "I can't believe I haven't posted in four months!" Frankly, the last four months have presented me with some of the deepest struggles I have ever experienced. For much of that time, I felt lost and confused, as if I were standing in an unending field of waving grass and no matter what direction I moved, everything looked exactly the same as if I had not taken a single step. A quick rundown of summer 2012 would look something like this:
OneVoice May tour! That took place, obviously, during the month of May. Although challenging at times, I learned a lot about myself and even more about the Lord during that time. I watched him provide for us, and I experienced his grace as I learned to conduct myself more confidently, humbly, and selflessly. I watched his Spirit move in churches as we sang, danced, and worshiped him as the one true living God. That month will remain in my heart for a long time.
Kansas City! I took my first trip to Missouri at the end of May tour and visited Josh's family for a week, during which time we completed all three movies in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and drove six hours round trip to see my friend marry the girl of his dreams. The remainder of the week was spent taking Josh's little brothers to the pool, visiting a few sites in downtown Kansas City, playing Disney's Scene It, and meeting about a million people stretched between visits to Josh's high school, church, and graduation open house. I became a proponent of chocolate almond milk, kicked a soccer ball around the Sonic parking lot because our car had broken down, and discovered my treacherously nonexistent ability to ride a Rip Stick. We attempted to build a fire several times with only one successful effort, during which most of our marshmallows mysteriously disappeared thanks to sweet-toothed little brothers hanging around. Speaking of little brothers, they recruited me to attack Josh with Nerf guns on my first day there, and on a difference occasion informed their parents that Josh and I were alone in the bedroom with the door closed when we were actually out talking on the back porch. Needless to say, they made the trip much more entertaining.
Florida! I flew home from Kansas City and found myself on a plane to Orlando with my family only a few days later. The trip was only three days - one day spent with my grandparents at their condo by the ocean, and two split between Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. Although short, we packed in a lot of memories involving Harry Potter world, Madagascar 3, and the new Despicable Me ride. Plus, my brother had never flown on a plane before, making the actual traveling much more exciting.
And then... home! Home. Finally, I was back. That was when things got weird. I couldn't find a job because the date was already mid-June, too late to apply for summer jobs when you're leaving for a difference state in less than two months. I felt out of place at church... too old to be in the youth group, and lost in the sea of one thousand adults who attend my church. So I sat at home, occasionally hanging out with friends on their days off, listening to their stories of work, making money, and socializing. I felt like no one needed me, so I was of no use to anyone and worthless as a result. I rarely received text messages or calls, and Facebook was an empty window to the rest of the world showing me all the fun everyone else was having. It sounds dramatic, and it was - but that was how I felt, so that was how I acted. I kept my feelings bottled up, because I didn't want to think about them. My relationship with God fell by the wayside... I wandered away from the stream of Living Water and gotten lost in my grassy field. I seldom opened my Bible because I was afraid of coming away empty.
Then I broke. I had talked to Josh on the phone almost every night throughout the summer, and he finally started pushing me more and more to deal with my feelings. And I cried, more than once, about a lot of different things. I started to recover, and spent time on my knees in prayer crying out for mercy and peace. I attended a college Bible study that had just begun at my church, and the relief of being honest about my struggles with someone and receiving encouragement helped lift the weight off my shoulders. My honest and urgent plea to you is to not let this happen to you. No one is exempt from falling away, because no one is safe from themselves. Choose Christ. Choose Christ every day, every moment. Otherwise, it's easy to slip and not notice until you're so far away that you don't know the way back. If you are already lost, realize that you cannot fight your way out alone because your heart will deceive you every time (Jeremiah 17:9).
On other summery notes, I came to Ohio for a week to re-paint my bedroom that I am living in this year. My brother and I drove to Buffalo, NY to visit family and see Niagara Falls. I also took a trip to Pennsylvania to watch two dear friends tie the knot. My last summer adventure took me to Illinois to see Josh and visit his new church where he works on staff as the worship leader. Maybe I'll tell you about that some other time, but this post has already gone a little long. And I don't want to distract you from my message to you in the previous paragraph... don't let your activities or your friends define you like I did. According to the message by Rob Turner this morning at Fall Bible Conference, that qualifies as idolatry. Don't fall into idolatry. Choose Christ.
